Hello everyone, I want to give you all a quick update on where we are with things and then I will go into the promised topic. Unfortunately, life happens quicker than I can write about it and I am so late on filling you all in but I will get there I promise. So here is my “A” update.
“A” has been with me and Justin for almost a year and in that time she has become our world. We love her and could not imagine our home without her hopping around or her silly humor. Because of this on April 27th, 2018 we made it official. She was adopted and we are now a forever family!!!! A is doing great with the transition and she truthfully seems relieved. We are of course still crossing bridges but they are more sturdy now.
Now, I’m going to rewind a bit and bring you off the joy high. Let’s go back to August when school was the worry of the time. From A’s account this was her fifth school and she had said she started a new school each year. Due to this, A didn’t see much of a point in making friends and she didn’t make anything easy on the teachers. A had authority issues because in her life people of authority have always let her down or hurt her in some way. Her mentality was more she didn’t have to listen to adults because they never listened to her. Please keep in mind that this is going to be a common Miracle thought you’re going to face. Many of the kids we see and love have been through similar things where trusting any adult is not an option and some have even been taught not to trust outside people. Lucky, for us we were aware of the trust issues and were prepared because we are trauma trained parents …… but! The schools are not!!!!
That’s right, the people that have one of the biggest influences on our miracle kids and can be one of the biggest assets to their growth are often NOT trauma trained. This is where being Mamma Bear or Daddy Bear will be of most importance. When you have adults addressing children with trauma like every other kid you will have issues. Their brains do not operate the same in most cases. In A’s case, she has always felt like she is the only one that’s had her back so she has to be tough and protect herself. Meaning where most people have fight or flight, she skips flight and jumps straight to fighting for herself. Now let me clear one thing up – when I say “fight” I am not meaning physical. I am more talking about guarding herself, shutting down, or maybe mouthing off. Her brain instantly goes “conceal don’t feel” (please tell me you got the reference here). She conceals her hurt, embarrassment, or whatever emotion with anger because it’s the safest emotion to feel. Anger is the stronger warrior emotion, it is protective and off putting.
School officials are not required to understand these feelings or why the child has them. School officials want everything to operate like a machine (Not all schools, Just my experience). If the child is talking and they correct the child, the child should stop. However, how they normally address it (“stop talking or you will lose a point”), it is taken much harsher by a child in this protective state. So, now we have a child that is in defense mode. “Don’t threaten me, you don’t tell me what to do, I don’t have to listen to you”. One of the hardest things for me to grasp here was its not their fault, and for children going through trauma this is normal. I mean, in your mind children should just mind adults because that’s the way it works, right? Well I’ll leave you with this on that topic, as an adult how willing are you to give 100% to someone you don’t respect?
This is where I’m going back to my momma bear comment. (This is personal experience. Not to say all schools or situations will be the same.) We gave the school tools and ideas. We even offered trauma training for the school and they denied it. At this point I’m frustrated because I feel as a mom I’m not being heard. That was proven when they attempted to send her to an alternative school for being mouthy. Lucky for me Monroe Harding is full of resources and we were willing to fight for her. Do not take what the school says as your only option. Don’t be afraid to be “that Mom” you know the one calling the teacher conferences, the one in the office talking to the principle every time there this an issue, or to be the one emailing teachers weekly to check in. Some Miracle children need that to be successful. A needed her dad, both Monroe Harding workers, an education specialist, a therapist, and me to stand in front of the school board and express that we didn’t feel the school was meeting her needs. Did I look like a butt to the them ….. Maybe, but did I get what I needed to make my daughter successful in school??? YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT! Don’t be afraid to fight the school to meet your kid’s needs, don’t fall when they threaten alternative schools, research to find a plan and then fight for it. With support these kids will move mountains. They just need proof they are not fighting the world alone.
A is now a straight A student who the teachers enjoy having in class, all because they were given the correct tools and taught how to use them.
A little side note- please don’t think I am talking down on schools or teachers by any means. I love our teachers at A’s school. But please keep in mind that they have 30 kids per class and the Principal is dealing with hundreds of kids a day. They have to keep order, and with this many kids of course they are looking for the quickest solution. That’s why you have to demand the attention. Don’t let your kid be the easiest solution.
Also, when blogging I often have to leave out certain details to make the big point, but if you would like I have set up an email just for the blog where you can reach out ask questions or anything you like. I’m by no means an expert but I’m a mom who is fighting the good fight with you.
–Cheyanne Shatto
FosteringMiracles@Gmail.com